Feb 4, 2016

january's recap: spiritual with a side of sass

Simon got sick the day after his birthday. Gahh. So lame, right? I mean, who wants to celebrate their first year of birth with a cold? That week was a little stressful (a complete understatement---majorly stressful), but he's finally starting to feel better and I'm not having any more emotional breakdowns. YAY for us! 

We saw the doctor for his 1 year checkup and he's 22lb 8oz. It's weird having a baby in the 60% percentile. I'm used to a 90% percentile with Lincoln and now I feel like I need to fatten Simon up.

Last month had been challenging for me and if it's a preview for what's in store this year, I'm screwed. I had the most horrendous experience with Lincoln. HORRENDOUS. I'm not sure if I can even type this out because I'm already feeling my blood pressure rise recalling the incident. Oh well, it's already risen and it's not coming down till I spill it out. 

I was trying to get the boys out of the house one afternoon because Simon had been extremely fussy all week and afternoons were when stress levels peaked. I had this brilliant idea to take them to Barnes &Noble to play with the train table and Legos they have set up there---oh yeah... and uh...maybe read some books to them?? Anyway, Lincoln was being a terror the moment he got up from his nap. Simon had woken up from his nap early crying, which then woke up Lincoln from his nap early, and I'm like, "Freak, Ryan doesn't get home for another 3 hours!!!! GAAAAAAH!"

I managed to wrestle two crying boys into the car to go on an awesome adventure!!! Right? Wrong.
I wanted to run into a store right next door before Barnes & Noble. Looking back, I can only blame myself for the whole incident because I deviated from the original plan.

Fast forward to our first 3 minutes in the store and Lincoln is screaming BLOODY MURDER on the floor and I'm cupping his mouth to silence the blood curdling screams. Simon was sitting in the cart, but slowly drifting down an entire aisle until he bumped into a rack and some customer pushed him back to me, asking if this was my baby. I had no idea he was rolling away because I'm trying to pick up Lincoln who keeps throwing his head back and arching his back and LITERALLY making it impossible for me to pick him up. Did I mention he's like really husky and heavy for his age? Because he is.

I had a sales associate try and come over to help me at this point. Not sure if it was out of pity or because I was causing a huge scene. Simon was crying and wanted to be held and Lincoln couldn't be consoled and every soul in the store was glaring at me and my child and I'm thinking, "Heaven help me, I might just crawl under one of these circular clothing racks and hide."

I told Lincoln we were going home, which made things worse. The lady asked if she could help because I couldn't carry both kids. For some reason (pure anger maybe?) the adrenaline kicked in and as I thanked her, I grabbed Lincoln's arm and LITERALLY DRAGGED HIM across the store, across the parking lot to the car.

Just to clarify, when you read that I dragged him, you might be thinking, "Oh, she was pulling on his arm and he was begrudgingly walking behind her." NO. what I said was, I LITERALLY DRAGGED HIM ACROSS THE STORE AND ACROSS THE PARKING LOT BY HIS ARM, his feet dragging, with Simon in my other arm crying, and Lincoln screaming.  

If there was a woman in that store browsing baby clothes and flirting with the idea of having a baby and thinking about how wonderful it would be... I think that scene we just made in the store and parking lot made her celibate.

After a wrestling match to get Lincoln buckled in his car-seat, all three of us were crying when I called Ryan in the car. I didn't even tell him what happened. All I said was, "I've never called you and asked you this, so please--- I need you to leave work right now and come home." He knew, and he came home right away so I could get out of the house, alone.

He came into the house and brought in a box that was on the doorstep addressed to me. I quickly opened it before leaving and saw that one of my dearest friends sent me a book entitled, Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood. She had mentioned this book to me weeks before and how much she enjoyed having this book to correlate scripture study with motherhood.

At that moment, the stress, the frustration, the anger, the embarrassment, the hurt----everything disappeared and I knew that this gift, given through a loving friend, was from my Heavenly Father. He was showing me what I needed to do in my life---study the scriptures.

The funny thing is, I have read articles and research studies and blogs on dealing with tantrums and what "to-do" and what "not to-do" and I was so convinced that this was a problem that I had to help Lincoln with and if I didn't discipline him the right way, or if I was too strict, or if I wasn't strict enough, or if I wasn't consistent enough... then he'll never behave like an angel 24/7 like I would love for him to do :) A mother can dream, right? He's still TWO!!! Of COURSE he's going to misbehave.

Not to justify his tantrums and not that what he did was okay (because it TOTALLY WAS NOT), but I've found that I've been so focused on what Lincoln needed to do to be a more behaved toddler that I haven't been focusing on myself and what I need to be doing to be a better mother.

So even though January was a month of 80% crying, sickness, fussiness, tantrum-throwing, teething, I'm-the-worst-mother-in-the-world and I-think-I'm-ruining-my-kids kinda month, the other 20% has been this awakening experience of turning to the Savior more for help by strengthening my relationship with Him. I'm hoping to share my experiences over the next few months because I've always loved the idea of journaling. I love being able to look back and see how I'm progressing and to remember this time in my life where I'm making some important prioritization of what's most important.  

Don't get me wrong---I love being Lincoln's and Simon's mother and they're freaking awesome kids who bring a tremendous amount of joy to my life. But I know that if I'm not continuously trying to strengthen my relationship with my Savior, I'm missing out on more blessings and being an even happier mother...even though I'm sure there will still be times where they drive me straight-up crazy... :)

In reality, if last month was indeed an indicator of the rest of the year, this will be a stellar year. :)

yeah, he's really good at acting clueless as to why Simon is crying.

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