If you've ever been woken up in the middle of the night with the thought you might be pregnant, it's really hard to go back to sleep. I had two choices: lay here until I get up for the morning thinking about how I might be pregnant, or actually get up and go find out. I was planning on getting up in 2 hours anyway to run to the gym and there was no way I would be going back to sleep for those last two hours--- might as well get a jump start on the day, right? I grabbed my phone to see which store was open at 3am. EVERYTHING was closed... well, everything but Walmart.
I got out of bed, threw on some gym clothes and drove to Walmart at 330 in the morning without telling Ryan where I was going. Probably not the safest thing to be doing, but clearly, I had to know right then and my safety at a Walmart at 330am wasn't my concern at the moment.
I grabbed two pregnancy tests and a box of tampons. Obviously, if I wasn't pregnant, I clearly needed a box of tampons, too. I was only slightly embarrassed as the cashier rang up my items. I figured I'd make a joke out of the uncomfortable situation--- "Bet you get a lot of these purchases in the middle of the night, huh?" She looked back at the items and back at me, "Uhh, actually I didn't notice what you were buying."
I thought about running into the bathroom there, but went with my better judgment that I'd rather not have the memory of finding out if I'm pregnant again while in a stall at Walmart. I went to the gym and was home by 5. Ryan wasn't awake yet and I took my tests into the bathroom. I realized I bought the crappy pregnancy tests that require you to pee in a separate cup, then use the syringe to put a few drops of urine on the test. REALLY??? WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BUY THESE???? AND WHY DO THOSE PREGNANCY TESTS STILL EXIST?! The last thing a woman wants to do when she's trying to find out if she's pregnant is do these extra steps. I figured it really wasn't necessary and decided to just pee on the whole thing. Nope. Test error. I guess the steps really are important. Ugh.
Luckily I bought a second test and had some pee left in me. I made sure to follow the instructions on this one. Two lines for positive, one line for negative. Within 5 seconds, it was a clear one-liner. Wow... I'm really glad I lost those hours of sleep to find out I'm not pregnant after all (sense the sarcasm?). I threw the tests and boxes in the bathroom cupboard and figured I would wait for Ryan to leave for the day before properly disposing of them. I wasn't trying to hide it, but I would rather have waited and told him how silly I was later in the day when he was more awake and could maybe laugh at the fact I went out in the middle of the night without him knowing.
The whole day I was thinking about what it would have been like to be pregnant again. It was a roller-coaster of emotions that day. First I was scared I could actually be pregnant--- I was not feeling ready in the slightest for our third. Surprisingly, after I took the test, I felt a little disappointed when it was negative. But to make myself feel better about being surprisingly disappointed, I convinced myself this probably wasn't the best timing.
When the boys went down for their naps, I remembered I needed to throw the tests away. I grabbed them from the cupboard and started walking them straight to the trash. I just happened to glance down at the test again, not even intending to look at the results, but when I did, I saw two lines.
TWO DISTINCT LINES.
I literally dropped to my knees crying. The initial cry was probably because I was already on that emotional roller coaster all day--- scared straight thinking I'm pregnant, finding out I'm not pregnant, being slightly sad to find out I'm "not pregnant", then feeling somewhat better after telling myself it wasn't the right time, AND THEN, finding out that I actually AM pregnant? GAHHHHHH!!!!!
Those initial tears of complete emotional madness turned into tears of gratitude. I was shocked and terrified--- heck, I still am, but immediately saw the big picture and was grateful that our family was being blessed with another baby. They say that each child makes you a better person. So in my case, I better keep these babies coming cause I need a lot of work. :)
And now, the blurriest, most off-centered 22 week baby bump pictures brought to you by the cutest 3 year-old-photographer...............THIS GUY!
I laughed at the picture he snapped of me mid-shushing. He kept telling me to say "CHEEESE POO-POO!!!" and would laugh hysterically while his brother was napping. Seriously though, "cheese poo-poo?" I'm definitely in a house of boys. :)