May 13, 2014

mothers

And since I saw all my mom friends posting these ADORABLE pictures of them and their kids being all cute....I thought I'd share MY Mother's Day pictures.

This is what I got: Lincoln giving DAD the kiss and the other?
Him squirming out of my arms to push the stroller. 
This is my mother's day picture, just keeping it REAL folks. :) 

I'm not sure what's funnier. Lincoln looking like he's busting out of his diaper??
 or me getting kicked in the bladder but still smiling about it??? What I'm really thinking is: "Lincoln, let go of this stupid stroller and act like you love me gosh DANGIT!!!!"


Ryan walked through the door a few weeks ago after work and told me to close me eyes. I love surprises, especially from Ryan. He can be surprisingly romantic. Well, I close me eyes, and when he tells me to open, he has a bouquet of daisies held out for me with a big grin (I'd take daisies over roses ANY day). As pretty as the flowers were, what was even more beautiful were the words he said to me after.

And, in summary, this is what he said. 

I wanted to get you flowers to show you how grateful I am you are able to be home with Lincoln. I know it is hard work, but it's the most important work you could do as a mother. You are a great mom and wife.Lincoln and I are blessed to have you.

Those words were simple but extremely meaningful to me, especially since I've struggled emotionally on becoming a mother even before Lincoln was born. A little background of my struggles...

Ryan and I were married almost 5 years before we got pregnant. He had brought up the "baby-talk" several times in our marriage, but I managed to either sway the topic of conversation onto a different path, or pacify him saying "I'm not quite ready now, I feel I will be soon..." He was ready, I was not. As I look back now, my fears were mostly a result of not feeling like I would be a good mother. I had COMPLETE lack of maternal instincts. I thought my desire would eventually come, but I preferred looking at babies only from a distance. I felt like those maternal instincts and love for babies would eventually find its way in my heart.

And then we got pregnant, unexpectedly.

Before Lincoln was born, I had no hesitation going back to work. I was lucky to have a job I LOVED-- My boss, my friends at work, my hours..... I was foolishly convincing myself that having a baby wouldn't affect me working as a nurse.

But something someone changed whatever plans I had for myself.

Lincoln was born and my life changed. And I knew within the first week of maternity leave I couldn't go back to work as a full-time nurse; I couldn't leave Lincoln with someone else to care for him while I was gone all day. My priorities changed. Any desires that I had for myself were set aside, and the desires I had for Lincoln became my priority.

I knew I wanted to be the one to be home and raise him myself. I wanted to be the one he saw first in the morning and after his naps, I wanted to be the one to feed him, play toys with him, read to him, and chase after him. I was there the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled, the first time he stood and the first time he walked. It's not always easy; it can be tiring and frustrating and I'm working on my patience daily. Some days I think working 2 shifts a month aren't enough, and most days I still feel inadequate as a mother, but through the good, the bad, and sometimes ugly parts of raising a child, I know I am doing the Lord's work and that is the most beautiful thing in the world. I cherish the divine calling I have of being a mother, especially Lincoln's mother. :) I'm grateful 14 months ago I got to become a mother to this wonderful boy..... 

And through everything I have experience so far with Lincoln, my appreciation for my own mother has grown heaps and bounds. She has always been an example of a selfless caring mother and I love her for all that she has, and continues to do for me.

This picture is a few months old, but it's definitely one of my favorites.